cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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