This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
