The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
