people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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