I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
