Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
