the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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