Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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