Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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