I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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