happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
