life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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