Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
