I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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