There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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