i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
