2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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