If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
