Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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