i just sent this text using only my big toe
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
