Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
