I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
