Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
