Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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