I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
