when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
