I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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