Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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