He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
