I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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