There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
