i need an iv and a liver transplant
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
