Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
