why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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