And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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