felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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