We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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