my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
