I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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