i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
