i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I want to fling myself into the sun
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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