My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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