My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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