i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
