I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
