Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
