I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
