The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
