Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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