1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Don't make out with my wife yet
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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