highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
