You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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