her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize