I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
