She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
