Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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